


"Twelve Days Of Christmas" The Nightmare Before Christmas part 3

by DivineVarod



Series: The Nightmare Before Christmas [3]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Bullying, Caretaking, Christmas, Guilt, Homophobic Language, M/M, Making Up, Officer Rimmer, Post-Episode: s08e03 Back in the Red Part 3, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Repressed Memories, Revelations, Victim Blaming, red dwarf xi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 16:34:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8924302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: Lister relives every Christmas on board of Red Dwarf trying to discover Rimmer's trauma.  He finds out several things, but it the man himself who gives him the biggest shock after he finally allows him in again.- This part is rather dark. But it all leads to something joyful come Saturday!! -





	1. What Do The Lonely Do At Christmas?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister tries to find out the truth about Rimmer's Christmas traumas by watching every Christmas on board on the black box.

**“** Rimm ...” Lister begun his cheerful exclamation when the Hologram re-materialised in the room. The rest of the name died in his throat, when the look on his partner's face was anything but cheerful or relieved. There was confusion, followed by upset, then a cold anger.  
“Why am I back on?” The Hologram snapped angrily.  
“I found the code, I saved you!!” Lister tried cheerfully, but there was no reason for cheer at this moment.  
“How dare you!!” Rimmer's voice shook almost hysterically. “You had no right! I switched myself of, it was my choice!! How dare you?! How smegging dare you!!”  
“I thought you wanted me to save you? Find you … help you?”  
No response, Rimmer just stood there.  
“That was ages ago, _Lister_ ...” Rimmer said coldly after what seemed like centuries. “Back when I thought you _knew_ me!”  
  
Smeg! This was not the happy reunion Lister had envisaged. Rimmer was even more hurt than he'd thought but could he really blame him after the way he'd treated him? But he'd saved him now, found the code, they would be okay.  
“But _I do_ you silly smegger! How else could I have found the code? I'm so sorry for accusing you Rimsy. Kryten confessed, it was him …”

* * *

A pang of fresh hurt shot through Arnold Rimmer.  
“Kryten?” He near whispered. So that was why he'd suddenly been so kind to him; _guilt_. He should have known. “Kryten did this to me?” Despite all the digs and attitude from the Android over the last few months he'd never expected Kryten could have been this cruel to him.  
  
Exhausted and shivering Rimmer sank onto a chair, his painful, pounding head in his hands. He refused to look at Lister.  
He'd made the choice to switch off. He'd actually felt good about it: no more pain, no more illness, his mind silent and free at last. Now, revived, everything hit him at once and he was still so terribly dizzy. Searching through the avalance of memories he tried to find the one that he could hang onto. There had to be something ... _what had Lister said just now?_  
Then, through the misty haze of hurt, he remembered and a spark of hope peered through the pain like a ray of sunlight. He licked his dry lips, before looking up and asking tentatively, every fibre of his body praying, hoping. “H … how … how did you find it? The code?”  
  
“Well, I was really worried … We were all looking everywhere then the Cat knew …”  
  
Darkness, endless darkness …

* * *

“I mean then I …” Too late. Rimmer's gaze had shot up and focused on Lister balefully. “The Cat?” He whispered with a raw, icy voice. “What about the Cat?”  
“Smeg! Yes Rimmer, the Cat found the code. I was too upset to think properly and he's got instinct and all that.”  
“You're lying!”  
“Come on man, it's truth!”  
“Get out!!” Rimmer hissed.  
“Rimmer!!”  
“JUST.GET.OUT!”  
  
Lister had never seen Rimmer like this, not even after they'd tried to get of that terraform planet where they'd hurt him terribly.  
Rimmer's eyes shot fire, the look on his face was scaring him. Knowing he was out of ideas he ran out. This was the last he would see of Rimmer in a long time.

* * *

Alone in the bunkroom Lister started cleaning the remains of Rimmer's uneaten Christmas snack. He didn't want to let Kryten touch it for some reason. Maybe it was because it was connected to the last time Rimmer had smiled. Maybe it was because he literally needed to clean up the mess he had made of everything.  
While he cleaned there was only one question on his mind: why had he been so terribly cruel to Rimmer? Even during their worst arguments he had never ever resorted to physical violence or disregarded his health problems whether mental or physical. The Snow globe really meant a lot to him, but to disregard his partner even when stood in front of him deathly pale and shaking ... even when he collapsed ...  
  
Was he still angry about Rimmer's behaviour as an Officer? It was the only thing he could think of that made sense. Why had that one slip up coloured his judgement of him so badly? He'd always been aware that most of his actions had been caused by a psychotic trigger and really, Rimmer hadn't even been that badly behaved all things considered. In fact it should have made him believe in his innocence even more as, even when he'd suffered that brief psychosis Rimmer had never as much as laid a hand on anything Lister owned. All he did was create special Officers quarters and create a hierarchy that didn't make much sense. Yes of course printing your own clones to populate the quarters was going overboard but ...  
  
The Hologram had later confessed that in his troubled mind he'd thought he was impressing Lister by gaining power. Loving him using the power play he'd learned from his family. It was seen as seductive there. No, Lister shook his head, that wasn't the reason at all ...  
   
Focussing on that one moment was ridicules, would he like it if Rimmer saw him as just a curry munching alcoholic? They both had their triggers and demons.  
Had he forgotten the man who tried saving his life from a deranged droid? The man who had sat with him for two days and nights after the kidney operation? The man who looked after him patiently and devotedly while he recovered? That was the man who's heart he'd shattered.  
He had been wrong from the start: forcing Rimmer into celebrating Christmas without any idea of why he hated it so much. He could have carefully coaxed him – asking him questions, easing him into it. But no: as usual he wanted it dealt with in five minutes. A lifetime of pain had to be dissolved in less time than it took an ice cube to melt in the desert.  
Rimmer had tried so hard and then he'd accused him without a second thought and punched him. He'd punched a man who'd known nothing but abuse for most of his life and who'd only just started to come round to the believe that maybe he could trust someone, maybe he could be loved.  
_If he were Santa he'd put mouse traps in his socks, if he'd dare touching them at all._  
He had to win Rimmer back. He had to show him he loved him, knew him and most of all that he cared.  
  
What had Rimmer said? He'd broken his heart that Christmas he was on board? He couldn't remember. What had he done that could be so bad? He requested tapes from every Christmas Rimmer had spent on the ship and went through them all.

* * *

Every year seemed the same: a dejected looking Rimmer was either working while trying to ignore the others having fun, locked in stasis or sat alone in his bunk room. Those last ones were the worst and usually the fault of some people Lister knew only too well. Four years in a row they buttered Rimmer up, promising him they'd pick him up to join the Christmas party. Obviously desperate for company lonely Rimmer had believed them each time and sat waiting expectantly on Christmas eve, but no-one ever came. Lister chocked up seeing him like that. _“All these years together and you never invited him either – did you?”_ A nagging voice hissed in his head. _“No, no,”_ he recalled now, that wasn't true: he had invited him that first year he was on board. He remembered it all before he saw it back on screen: Rimmer had beamed when he asked him to come to the crews Christmas Eve dance, he'd even bought a new suit. A red velvet jacket which he'd proudly shown him. For days he talked about nothing else, even saying that he had something important to tell him after the party. Lister was stunned how he could have forgotten all that. What he did remember was that Rimmer had not shown up at the lift where they had planned to meet. He'd gone into stasis till January the 2 nd and had barely talked to him for weeks after that. That was the night Rimmer now claimed he broke his heart.

* * *

A few minutes later Lister had reached that Christmas eve. To his surprise he landed on Rimmer standing excitedly at the lift gates, waiting for him. So he'd wanted to go after all? He looked gorgeous in his new suit. Lister was surprised to see him holding flowers and smiling the biggest beaming smile he'd ever seen. His heart stopped: had Rimmer thought he'd asked him on a date? Had he been waiting for al these years? Was that the important thing he'd wanted to say to him that night? But why had he disappeared? Had he chickened out?  
Seeing what happened in the next sequence was like a sucker punch to the stomach, as Lister finally understood what Rimmer had meant and why their friendship changed after that fatal night.

* * *

Ever punctual Rimmer had started his wait fifteen minutes early. Ever the free spirit Lister had ran late. As Rimmer got more and more nervous Peterson, Chen and Selby showed up on route to the celebrations.  
“Hey, look palls!!” Peterson guffawed. “It's Officer Rimmer in a poncy suit!! Shouldn't you be in stasis Captain smeghead?”  
Lister felt proud to see that Rimmer didn't flinch at all when faced with that insult. He just smiled a brave smile at the three men.  
“Laugh all you want Milados, but you're not ruining my Christmas this year.”  
Lister cringed seeing the three man exchange rather ominous glares at Rimmer's brave but over the top come back.  
“And what's the reason for that, may we ask?” Chen jeered, as he pushed Rimmer roughly towards Selby.  
“Yes, who are these flowers for?” Selby growled as he shoved him to Peterson. “Yvonne McGruder isn't concussed any-more. She's long since got her sanity back.”  
Peterson tore the flowers from Rimmer's hand and kept dangling them just out of Rimmer's reach while Chen and Selby kept holding Rimmer back.  
“I'm waiting for Dave Lister.” Rimmer said in an uncharacteristically brave voice, his eyes lighting up with joy despite the situation he was in. “He's invited me to the party.”  
A chorus of faux camp “Ooooh's” followed by nasty horrific laughter met Rimmer's words. Peterson skipped around Rimmer camply with the flowers.  
“The scwawny pooftew is waiting for Dave with flowews!!” He exclaimed in a mocking voice as he shoved Rimmer towards the others.  
Chen grabbed the now rather uneasy Rimmer by his bow-tie and pulled him towards him.  
“You seriously think Dave's gonna hang out with you?” He spat vengefully. “You seriously think anyone would? I can't believe that you keep falling for the same old joke year in year out.”  
With that Rimmer was pushed to the floor.  
“Lister isn't mean like you are he is … different.” Rimmer said, looking up at them rather helplessly.  
_"He looks like a smegging child!"_ Lister thought.  
Peterson bent down to face Rimmer, dealing him another verbal blow. “Look, you little queer, Lister is our mate take it from us: Dave is not showing up, he's messing with ya. You just do us all a favour and get your but into stasis.”  
Rimmer's face fell and the corners of his mouth started to twitch. He clearly wanted to ignore these words, but all those years alone had damaged him.  
“Aw, that hurt, didn't it?” Peterson jeered as the other two sniggered, he then threw the flowers on the floor and stepped on them. “Glad we could stop you before you made a fool of yourself. Well, a bigger one than usual.”  
The three men stepped into the lift and gave a mocking parody version of Rimmer's salute as the door closed. “Bye Officer loser!!” They exclaimed.  
When they left Rimmer whimpered and curled up in a corner of the hallway where he wrapped his arms around his knees and started to slowly rock himself.  
“Listy will come,” He whispered. “I know he will!”  
  
Rimmer waited and waited but eventually gave up. Lister knew he had shown up – but been forty minutes late – because these same guys held him up. Had it been on purpose? He stopped trying to lie to himself: of course it had been on purpose!  
By the time he'd arrived at the bunk Rimmer had gone.

* * *

Lister swallowed, shocked at seeing these events fold out in front of him. He was horrified to find out what his former friends had been like without him. “Smeging cruel bastards!” He muttered, staring at the screen in disbelieve. Over the years he's already come to realise that a lot of the things he'd actually _seen_ them do to Rimmer in the past weren't that funny at all. He had learned that every person had a story. Had he known Rimmer's back then he'd have protected him. But should just knowing his background have made that difference? Did anyone deserve to be bullied just because they were “odd” and “a bit annoying”?  
Rimmer had never been cruel to him or the team – a bit OCD, a stickler for the rules, yes, but most of the time, when he reported someone they had harmed him in some way. Rimmer felt powerless and reporting someone was the only thing he had to fight back with: it gave him a sense of strength.  
It was only after that Christmas incident that Rimmer changed and started filing all those reports about him. Not before.

* * *

On the screen Lister saw Rimmer sobbing quietly at the table in the bunkroom for a few minutes. Then he got up and stared at Lister's bunk a while. “I should have known …” He whispered, his voice hoarse with pain. Rimmer wiped his eyes, shook his head, left the room to throw a wrapped gift into his locker and then headed for the stasis booth, looking around in hope just one more time before he got in.  
  
Lister ran to the locker, used his street smarts to open it and searched. After a few minutes he found it: the gift. Quickly he tore off the paper and then the expensive looking box to find ...  _a golden watch with his initials carved in the back._ There was also a card in Rimmer's handwriting which read: “I think it's _time_ to tell you ...”  
The centuries old present shaking in his hands he knew he'd been right: Rimmer had wanted to tell him he loved him that night. If he hadn't been late – if he hadn't been friends with these – in hindsight – cruel guys … He would have got to know the real Rimmer sooner and both their lives would have been better. Rimmer would have known happiness centuries earlier and he wouldn't have fallen for Kochanski in that way, leading him to eventually bringing a cat on board. He would have been there to help Rimmer with the drive plate, or would have talked him out of taking that job in the first place. Maybe … maybe the whole crew would still be alive! Maybe – maybe … Maybe he'd now be living in Fiji with Rimmer!!  
“I'm so sorry Rimsy …” Lister whispered as he kissed the watch. “I'll get you back, I promise! I'll make it up!!”  
  
As he walked back to the drive room he clipped the watch round his wrist – it somehow made him feel closer to his Arnold. With a sigh he turned on the black box again.  
He immediately fell into the last Christmas when the crew were alive. Before stasis, before the drive plate. That one was weird: On Christmas Eve an ecstatic looking Rimmer went out in his smartest suit, then the recorder had strangely cut out for a few hours only to turn on again when he and Peterson had found Rimmer collapsed at the bunkroom door. They had dragged him to his bed and left for a party. When Lister had returned Rimmer was gone. He had not returned until three days later, hoarse. The man had been jumpy and discharged from all duties for some time. What had happened to him? Lister wondered. What could have happened that still left him shaken and confused?

* * *

When not scanning through videos Lister read. To win Rimmer back, to help him, he needed to understand him. He begun reading up on psychology, counselling and realised that Rimmer was probably suffering from PTSD. Almost all aspects of his behaviour fell into this category and with everything he'd been through it did seem logical. _“With all he's been through it's a miracle he's functioning at all.”_ He thought.

* * *

Three days later the Cat ran from Rimmer's room looking upset. “Goalpost head threw me out!!” the Feline wailed. Lister sighed. “What did you say Cat?”  
“I told him I'd known all along about steal condom head, now he says he don't wanna see me no-more!” Lister sighed, now he'd lost the only one who could keep an eye on Rimmer. The Cat could be nice and even helpful if he wanted to, if only the Cat would learn to keep his mouth shut. Sadly that was never an option for the Cat.

* * *

More Christmas rewatches: The years after the crew died were not much better for Arnold. The first year no-one celebrated anything. Lister had sat watching _It's a Wonderful Life_ with Cat, got drunk and had then wept and babbled for hours with Rimmer listening on patiently, trying to snap him out of it. Lister was surprised to see this, he'd forgotten this. The next year he'd tried celebrating with Cat, Holly and a few Scutters. Rimmer had disappeared to the Diesel Decks. It was the same every year until Kryten arrived and Lister decided to go bigger: a proper Christmas. Rimmer had managed a _“Merry Christmas”_ each year and always had a gift and then he would disappear again. Watching closer Lister now noticed that Rimmer had usually been ignored at the parties but tried staying longer with each passing year.  
  
Every year Rimmer had waited a little longer - hope in his eyes – but Lister had never said the words he'd clearly expected, or hoped to hear; _“you can stay Rimmer. Would you join us?”_ Lister wiped his eyes, no wonder he couldn't believe he wanted him now. “So much waisted time.” He mumbled bitterly to himself, then switched off the screen. A plan started to form in his head, it could work. But he had to get Rimmer to trust him again first.  
  
Rimmer had been in that room for five days now, he had seven days to win him back before Christmas.

* * *

 

Christmas Eve. Over the last couple of days Lister had mooched all the glitter and baubles he could of the Cat, he had put up the “twig” and the Cat allowed him to hang some of his earrings from it.  
Lister's body felt as if he were on the edge of the highest springboard: he knew that tonight was his last chance. If he didn't get Rimmer back by tonight his chance of spending Christmas with him would be over and there was no way he'd ever get a second.


	2. The Little Boy Christmas Forgot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer and Lister reunite on Christmas Eve and the Hologram finally tells him what happened on that last Christmas.

Lister knocked at the door, still no answer.  
“Rimmer, please let me in, it's been twelve days!! How many times can I tell you that I'm sorry?!!”  
No answer.  
“Arnold, please it's Christmas Eve!”  
  
The moment he said it he thought that Christmas would be the very last reason the Hologram would open the door for. But suddenly the lock clicked and the door opened. A deadly pale tired face with red ringed eyes stared at him.  
  
“At-last I'm Arnold again ...” Rimmer sighed. His voice sounded beyond exhausted. Lister looked at the Hologram and knew that whatever hell he'd gone through, the last twelve days had been even worse for him: Rimmer was painfully thin, his eyes were glassy with dark circles around them, his hair was unkempt and he was still in his pyjamas and dressing-gown even though it was late in the afternoon. Then Lister saw the remains of the bruise on Rimmer's cheek, the fading blue standing out on his pale, haggard face.  
“Arnold … I'm so sorry.” Lister sobbed. The state Rimmer was in cut through his soul.  
  
“You better come in.” The Hologram droned in the same tired voice. He seemed empty. Leaning heavily against the wall for support Rimmer shuffled to the bed and lay down. Lister sat down on the edge of the bed. He'd never expected Rimmer to open the door so was a bit at a loose end for what to say all he knew was that he had to make it count. Then it came to him:  
  
_“I need to tell you Arnold J Rimmer – there is no-one I'd rather spend my Christmas with than you!”_  
  
Rimmer's eyes went wide, then he laughed, a quiet sarcastic chuckle that worried Lister, especially when the chuckle descended into a cross between laughing and crying. “Stop lying Listy ...” Rimmer then sighed. “After what? At least thirty or so Christmases on my own on this ship since the accident I find that a little on the unbelievable side.”  
Lister bit his lip, had he really expected this to be easy?  
  
“I didn't know. I thought you didn't want to come. I never knew you thought I stood you up back then. I was late but I came I really did!! I'm really sorry they told you you weren't wanted. You've been welcome, always.”  
Rimmer eyes shot up and he finally truly looked at Lister, the coldness in his eyes melting.  
“You mean that message wasn't from you?”  
“No ...”  
“How did you find out what happened?”  
“I watched through all our Christmases – I'm sorry for all of them!!”  
He notice Rimmer's eyes going to his watch. “I found it babe, I … I would have said yes.”  
Rimmer stared at Lister for a few seconds, then the tears came. Then Lister's tears came.  
Through the haze he noticed Rimmer's thin hand looking for his. He softly took it and brought it to his lips.

* * *

“I've got something for you Listy …” Rimmer said after they'd sat in silence for a bit. The Hologram slowly raised himself up, struggling slightly as he made an effort to get of the bed. “What do you want, Arnold?” Lister asked gently. Apparently too tired to get up again Rimmer gave up and gestured to something wrapped in a towel on his desk. “What's that Arn?”  
“A present for you …”  
Surprised Lister walked to the desk and unwrapped the towel. His heart stopped:

_It was the snow globe!!_

Rimmer had taken the effort to fix his snow globe! The glass was painstakingly glued back together piece by piece as neatly as possible. Rimmer had coloured in the cracks with gold dust paint which gave a beautiful spider-web-like effect that made the scene inside even prettier: the figurines were back in place and when he shook the globe … it snowed.  
“I'm sorry it's not as pretty as it used to be ...” He heard Rimmer say behind him.  
Lister turned round, tears in his eyes. “No! No Arnold, don't even _say_ that!! You're not gonna apologise for this. It's beautiful, better than it ever was!! How did you even do this?”  
“I asked the Cat to collect the pieces, I knew he'd find all of them. Spent the last few days restoring it, I knew how much you loved it.” Lister couldn't believe it!  
“But … After everything that happened!! I can't believe you did this!! Smeg, it must have taken ages …” He stared at Rimmer's pale expectant face, he noticed worry in his eyes. “It's the best gift I ever had.” Lister said as he put the globe aside safely. He walked to the bed, lay down next to the Hologram and wrapped his arms round him.  
“I did it right?” Rimmer asked softly. Lister kissed his cheek.  
“Damn it Arnold, you did nothing wrong in the first place. Did you even sleep?”  
Rimmer frowned then shook his head. “I couldn't anyway … Too many nightmares.”  
“Do you want to talk about it?”  
“I can't, it … it would hurt you.”  
“Is it about that last Christmas you couldn't talk about?”  
Rimmer nodded, his face twitching slightly.  
“You have to tell me Arn, if it has traumatised you I have to know. I could help you.”  
Rimmer clutched Lister's arm and gazed up at him pleadingly. “Please promise you won't get angry with me again.”  
Lister closed his eyes in frustration, it hurt so much having Rimmer so fragile, so scared. He'd never known how damaged he truly was. He couldn't imagine that anything worse could have happened to Rimmer than everything he already knew, but clearly something had. He kissed his cheek again.  
“After this, I couldn't.”  
Rimmer huddled up closer to Lister. He was clearly in need of support, Lister wondered what he must have gone through all alone these past few days.  
“Don't worry, you're safe.” He said, rubbing the Hologram's thin arm.  
Rimmer took a deep breath and begun.

* * *

“On my last Christmas, the last one before I died … Todhunter came to the bunkroom … He told me the Captain was giving me another chance. I was invited to a special Christmas dinner in the Captain's room on Christmas Eve. I was so proud – my second chance!! Finally I'd get a Christmas present: my one dream would come true!! I'd be an officer at New Year. I couldn't wait!! Come Christmas Eve I put on my best suit and went to the Captain's Office room. When I came in someone jumped me from behind and I fell to the floor.” Rimmer's breath became faster as he spoke. Lister kept rubbing him soothingly with one arm, while holding his hand with the other. Close to tears the Hologram continued. “Two men grabbed me and tied me to a chair. Todhunter sat behind the Captain's desk, smiling, saying what a fool I'd been to believe him. The other men …”  
He hesitated, swallowed. Lister frowned. “Who were they Arn?” Rimmer shook his head, his hollow eyes seeming to beg him to stop asking. “Doesn't matter who they were. They prized open my mouth and …” He was shaking so much now and Lister just felt his heart break for him.  
“What did they do babe?”  
“They put a tube into it. They put a tube into my mouth, my throat and force fed me Gazpacho soup … I … I thought I was going to drown!! Over and over they kept repeating that someone like me could never be an officer. They laughed at me, mocked me until I passed out. I woke up on the floor and … they … they were they … Oh God!! I can't … I'm sorry Listy … I can't.”

 _No!_ Lister closed his eyes, he had to ask: “Rimmer … did they rape you?”  
Rimmer's face froze then he took a sharp breath. He didn't have to speak he saw the horror and fear in his eyes. Now he knew why Rimmer feared intimacy, it was the worst reason possible.  
He felt Rimmer shaking, he kissed the top of his head, buried his mouth in his curls. “It's okay Arn, they're gone, no-one can hurt you now. It's okay.”

“That night … Todhunter and Ackerman the others held me down and cheered. The last thing I knew and heard was Todhunter coming violently into me as he said; 'That'll teach you! Gazpacho-soup is meant to be served cold! - With this big mocking grin!! Then I must have passed out again. I woke up at my door.”  
Lister cringed – he remembered that bit. Peterson had found Rimmer when he came to get him for … - wait!! Lister felt a sudden chill – had Peterson really just found him or … or had he spent a jolly night out with someone who'd just for all intends and purposes been an accomplish in the water-boarding and rape of a naïve and desperate man.  
He remembered how they'd just dragged Rimmer in, threw him onto his bunk, never asking if he was all right. When they returned he was gone and he didn't see him again till a few days later. He'd taken to his bed, hid beneath the covers and didn't speak to him for the first day or two. Now he knew he'd probably not been able to.  
  
“Babe … those three other men who did this to you … Who where they?”  
Rimmer flinched. “I'm sorry Dave … I shouldn't have mentioned it. It … doesn't matter.”  
“It does, please.”  
“It won't do you any good knowing, Listy. Please, it's in the past.”  
Now Lister was certain: even when talking about the darkest moments of his life Rimmer had consciously self-censored to spare him the pain.  
“Peterson, Chen and Selby … right?” He spat the names in disgust. He noticed an immediate nervous twitch in Rimmer's face when mentioning these names and wrapped his arms even closer around the man he loved, wishing his body could absorb his pain. How could he not have known this? He knew they bullied him, he'd often gone right along with that but never, never would he have agreed with this. If he'd only known half of what they'd been up to he'd have protected Rimmer, he'd have told him not to go.  
The thought that he'd been having a fun filled night with the very same guys that had just tortured Rimmer while he'd been traumatised, ill and alone in his bunk filled Lister with belated guilty nausea.  
“Where … where did you go … after?”  
“Medibay … everything hurt and I couldn't stop vomiting. But my throat started bleeding – it was damaged by that tube. Please, can we stop talking about this?”  
Lister shook his head. “No, I need to know: how come those men could just get away with this? You didn't even report them?  
Rimmer sighed wearily, his voice sounding more tired every time he spoke.  
“I usually kept quiet about what they did to me, as it was too humiliating, but the medibay staff told me to report it this time. Of course no-one did anything, officers were involved.”  
“You usually …” Lister was apoplectic. “This happened a lot, did it?”  
Rimmer nodded quietly. Not for the first time Lister noticed that strange almost childlike fragility in his expressions that surfaced when he either completely let his guard down or when he was ill or scared.  
“Not as badly as this. It was mostly beatings …”  
“Beatings?”  
“Listy … I'm so tired …”  
“Arnold, please. What did they do to you? I can hear it from you or I can ask Kryten to deep search the back box if I have to. I found the lie they told you about Christmas so I can find the other stuff.”  
“You can't find that!! They always did it in the private corners!” Rimmer said, then realising he'd given it away.  
“Arn what, why?”  
“Oh, the usual: punching, insults – sometimes the full works … nothing I wasn't used to from my family.” He sighed. “For some reason they knew … Knew I was gay. They knew it. Said my voice and my mannerisms gave it away.”  
  
He now remembered times that Rimmer had seemed to be in pain but he'd never questioned it. Sometimes he'd seen bruises as he undressed to go to bed. His poor baby.  
“You should have told me!”  
“I couldn't even talk. And the other stuff. Back then … would you truly have cared?”  
“I would have!” Lister insisted – but with some doubt. He was still reeling from the fact that he'd been friends with people capable of torture and wasn't sure if he'd really have believed Rimmer back then.  
Lister recalled Rimmer getting drunk one night and babbling about the initiations he had had to undergo to become an officer, the sexual humiliations, he'd thought Rimmer had been joking. Now he knew better.  
For a moment Rimmer suffering daily at the hands of the people he'd called friends was all he could see. Then he heard Rimmer again, he was still talking.  
“... they punched me to the ground and kept kicking me …”  
“When was that?”  
“The day you went into stasis. They blamed me. I barely cared. It had already been the worst day of my life: you were gone … I was alone again.”  
“Rimmer, how did you even function …”  
The Hologram shrugged.  
“I'd collected a lot of painkillers over the years.”  
Lister felt the remarks double meaning but refused to go deeper into that.


	3. Merry Christmas Darling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After trying to counsel Rimmer, Lister starts preparations for something wonderful.

**“** Listy … Can I have some water …” Rimmer asked softly.  
“Of course, be right back.”  
As he stood at the tap in the bathroom Lister was glad to have a moment alone to think about everything he'd been told.  
Lister had listened to Rimmer's confessions with growing anger, not towards Rimmer but what had happened to him. The worst part was that Rimmer seemed to act as if it was normal, as if he deserved it. No-one deserved that kind of abuse.  
  
Returning to the room with the glass he saw Rimmer's eyes fill with relief. The man had clearly felt scared on his own. Lister helped him up just enough so he could drink and only after he had enough started asking questions again.  
“Arnie … You do know that what happened to you wasn't your fault, right?”  
“Hmmm?” Rimmer blinked at him.  
“You are not to blame for what happened to you. You were lied to, tortured, abused. Why the smeg did you think I'd get angry with you? You were the victim!!”  
Rimmer looked at him; first in surprise, then almost with relief.  
“I was … the victim?” He said with sad disbelieve.  
“Of course, they did it to you. No-one deserves what you've been through!!”  
Rimmer sighed long and deep, it seemed to Lister as if a weight had been lifted of him.  
“I was the victim … It wasn't my fault ...” Rimmer repeated this softly to himself.  
“Wait, someone told you it was your fault?”  
“Captain Hollister said it was my fault, so I always believed that.”  
“Hey, what, you're kidding right?”  
Rimmer shook his head.  
“I'd probably done something to anger them, he said. I was always the odd one out so it figured. It's always been like that …”  
Lister swallowed, how could Rimmer be so resigned, so accepting …  
“Rimmer … I … Oh my God!!”

* * *

Suddenly a thought at the back of Lister's mind sprang forward and he immediately felt as if he needed to vomit. He had been that vile, that evil! He saw himself poring that substance on nano-Rimmer again all those years ago. Nano-Rimmer, surrounded by those men in prison. He'd left him there and only saw him again days later, looking bruised and in pain. No-one had ever told him what happened and after a while Rimmer had started talking to him again. “Just a laugh”, Lister had thought to himself. “Doesn't mean anything.” How could he talk to Rimmer about morals and justice, when he had subjected him to something just as horrific?  
“That first day in prison … Rimmer I …”  
Rimmer's reaction to those words answered his worst fears.  
Staring at Lister wide eyed Rimmer grabbed Lister's shoulder roughly and pressed his nails into it, he shook his head. “Don't, please, don't! I feel safe here with you now, don't spoil this.” Lister saw the pleading in Rimmer's eyes and dropped it, but his own mind couldn't. Apparently Rimmer's couldn't either.  
“I know you never willingly meant to hurt me. You probably thought it was a laugh.”  
Lister bit his lip as he shook his head, he did not deserve Rimmer's understanding, not for this.  
“It was the most horrible thing I've ever done and it took me until now to realise that you probably were not just leered at or simply got a slobbery kiss. I never thought about … And even then I shouldn't have done it!”  
“I'd smegged up, you gave payback … It always worked like that.”  
“I left you there to fend of a dozen or so enormous men who wanted a piece of you. Nothing deserves payback like that!! We, our group, we two were all we had. Looking back you had no reason to trust us, you only knew me as the annoying goit who had hurt you, Kochanski as the officer that looked down on you and you'd never met either Cat or Kryten before. Despite that you did choose to flee with us in the end, giving up all you knew, you didn't know that reality wasn't real. When I did it you'd already made up with me, you gave me that virus in good faith. I messed up, it was my fault. Kochanski slapped me when she heard, she was furious. She understood what happened, I never did. She said she wanted to talk to you, but I gave her no chance; you acted like you were fine. Whatever anyone told you back then: you were the victim.”  
No answer, Rimmer lay on his back, his eyes closed, small tear-drops hanging from his long eyelashes.  
“Well ...” Lister sighed. “Merry Christmas ...”

* * *

Rimmer lay still, his features looking grey and beyond exhausted. Lister felt annoyed with himself. The intend of this had been to win Rimmer back, to cheer him up. All he had done was make the poor guy dredge up more horrors from his tortured life.  
Was it any wonder that he'd been nothing but depressed? He gently stroked Rimmer's curls and kissed his forehead over and over – his favourite spot – right above the H.  
“I meant it Arn.” He said, holding him tight again.  
“What?”  
“There's no-one I'd rather spent my Christmas with than you. I wish I'd asked you years ago, but I thought you didn't want it.”  
“Same here. I was so scared to ask. I'd been rejected so many times.”  
Lister pressed himself even closer to Rimmer as if simply holding him tight could make all the pain disappear. Rimmer sighed, slowly relaxing in the embrace.  
  
There was something dazed and unfocussed about Rimmer that worried Lister.  
“Babe, would you let me take you to medi-bay? You're not looking well.”  
Rimmer quietly chuckled. “Thank you for the compliment. Don't worry. It's fine. I just haven't slept in a very long time.”  
Lister shook his head, “Arn, you know that's bad for you. You remember what happened last time.”  
“I don't have holo-overload, Listy I'm just … tired.”  
It hurt Lister so much knowing that he caused this and he didn't feel reassured at all. But if Rimmer didn't want to go to medi-bay …  
“If you're sure, babe?”  
  
“Listy … please” Rimmer whispered. “Can we just stay here like this a little longer?”  
Lister bit his lip to hold back tears. “Sure …” was all he could say.  
So Lister held him and soon the utterly exhausted Hologram fell asleep in his arms. Knowing that this was probably the first proper rest Rimmer had had in days Lister didn't have the heart to move a muscle, he just lay there holding Rimmer. After a long time his arms went to sleep, then they went numb. When Rimmer finally stirred just enough for him to recover his deadened limbs Lister softly slid of the bed, covered Rimmer with a blanket and tiptoed out of the room. He had an idea and he had to be quick about it.  
After instructing Kryten and Cat and making the first preparations he sneaked back into bed with Rimmer for a few hours sleep.  
As he had expected Rimmer was still fast asleep when he woke the next morning. He quickly got up and got ready. He'd let Rimmer sleep until he was certain everything was just how he wanted it.

* * *

As Rimmer was very frail Lister had selected nothing to taxing for the day. A brunch followed by a few games that were fun but not demanding, coffee, a movie marathon with popcorn and snacks, followed by dinner, drinks and a few more games – or karaoke. Safe, snug and homely, Lister had made sure of that, he wanted nothing to scare or upset Rimmer. Were the day for him, he'd had chosen completely differently, but this was for Rimmer and he wanted to show him he knew him, cared about him. When he thought about it, now he was with Rimmer he might not have chosen that differently any-more anyway.  
  
Before waking Rimmer up, Lister ran a bath for him and brought in a cup of tea.  
Lister thought it almost a crime to wake up his sleeping Hologram. He was so peaceful, his first true rest in weeks. He was certain that if he left him like this he would wake up well after New Year.  
But, he justified: he only had today to work his Christmas miracle. Rimmer could sleep till summer after this, if he could just give him this today.


End file.
